All these years I have been striving to understand how to authentically relate to the wonderful,complex and occasionally daunting people past, present and future who inhabit my world. As an ambivert, someone who is both social and shy, there are times when I simultaneously want to hug and exile each and every one of them. Gofigure that being raised by a narcissist and narcissist enabler would create confusion on how to cultivate healthy relationships. I have had my work cut out for me in this arena for years.

Recently, I began to study attachment styles and how to form secure healthy relationships with them.This inquiry was sparked by surveying a revealing string of painful or dysfunctional attachments that I held onto long past their expiration date,causing grief for myself and others. People I cared for passed, withdrew,shunned me or rewrote history because our attachment styles did not combine to produce a Healthy Relationship; one in which each party is free to learn, grow and thrive.

While preparing for our next class on “Cultivating Healthy Relationships”, I rediscovered the power of attachment compassion.

Here is a brief summary of why attachment issues may be your Kryptonite.

There are three types of attachment styles:

1. Secure
2. Anxious
3. Avoidant

We are each one or a combination of the above styles. Each style is the result of a variety of environmental and biological factors that can change from birth through to your adulthood. All are of value for humankind. Yet understanding how they combine is an essential component in constructing your personal happiness.

Why attachment styles matter:

• When someone commands a Secure attachment style they show upas reliable, consistent, flexible, and make decisions with you.

• People with an Anxious attachment style demand closeness, fear rejection and are unhappy when not in a relationship.

• People with an Avoidant attachment style demands independence, send mixed messages and devalue you and previous partners.

Bad combos can go boomin that they literally weaken you physically. Anxious people who seek closeness and are with Avoiders keep being pushed away. Avoidant people who are with anxious attachment folk feel smothered. If we take a closer look at this dynamic,we see that although they are attracted to one another the anxious-avoidant attachment combo does not get either parties attachment needs met.

In my case, I am a combo of both and so sometimes am deeply confused about how to feel close without feeling trapped, or how to approach an avoidant without feeling ashamed that I seek a connection they do not value. Working on it….

In a study conducted by Dr. Jim Coan from the University of Virginia, he discovered that when spouses are Secure with one another holding hands during time of distress lowered their blood pressure. This demonstrates how two people in a secure intimate relationship can regulate their partner’s emotional and psychological well-being. If the relationship was not secure (inconsistent,unreliable, etc.), hand holding increased the couples’ blood pressure rate until they let go. Being compassionate with and understanding my own attachment style allows me to heal, grow and move beyond the Kryptonite of being in relationships where my needs are not met.

Sounds like a Superpower to me.

If you are interested in learning how to cultivate Healthy Relationships, VAST has devised a simple and kindhearted approach to constructing positive relationships, where you are free to learn, grow and thrive.

To learn more:

1) Purchase our self-guided Healthy Relationships Workbook

2) Join our Healthy Relationships monthly support and practice online session

3) Subscribe to our VAST Newsletter